i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
