So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Of course I have a pirate flag
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Randomize
