Plan B is the new Plan A
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize