i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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