i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
