I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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