You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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