i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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