Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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