The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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