It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
