at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
