I met the friendliest cop last night
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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