last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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