I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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