my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
