you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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