I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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