Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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