Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
