when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
