Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
