No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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