you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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