she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
my liver is dry heaving
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
