After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
