Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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