I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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