I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
