I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
