apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
