I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
