Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
