He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
