The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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