I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
