apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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