Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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