I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
