my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
