the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
