So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
