so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
