Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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