did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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