i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
