I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
