Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
