So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
