this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
