At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
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