Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
