Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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