u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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