When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
