we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
