you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize