after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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