We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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