Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
